I haven’t applied for any jobs yet, but I did have a business idea.
It’s an office-themed ‘breakage room’. You pay a couple of hundred dollars and get to go in this fake office for a couple of hours. There’s a photocopier, desks, computers, stacks of A4 paper packets, all the traumatising paraphernalia of an open plan office. Most of it is made from snot-cheap breakable plywood, but there’s one real computer and that’s where you sit.
Then, there’s a few actors milling about and a guy who plays your boss. This guy looks like a real douchebag… Cheap suit, ‘humorous tie’, and a bog-standard, balding haircut. He talks like a sexually frustrated driving instructor.
Anyway, this guy has a job for you. He wants you to make him a spreadsheet and, within the rules of Office Madland (the name of the experience), you are allowed to do it as poorly as you wish. In fact, you get scored for your performance and the worse you make the spreadsheet, the greater the number of points awarded.
You make the spreadsheet and turn it in. However good or bad it is, though, the actor playing your ‘boss’ hates it and gives a condescending rundown on how he would have done it better. You get more points for deliberately misunderstanding him during this diatribe.
After he finishes, you are allowed to talk back. You get more points and snacks at the end if you can be extra obnoxious. Once you’ve cussed the guy out, you are allowed to physically attack him. The actor will be trained in judo and boxing, and will know how to take a punch and get thrown. For safety, he is wearing foam padding and you are not permitted to strike him in the face.
Everyone else in the office cheers.
Following this, you can wreck all the fake computers, chairs, desks, and even smash the windows. It’s all super cheap, mass-produced garbage printed to resemble real objects and it’s included in the cost of the ticket. The more stuff you demolish, the more points you accrue, giving you a shot at appearing on the leaderboard. Every year, the top three people on the leaderboard get a fruit basket and the opportunity to come back for free.
With the place in smithereens, you are taken to a ‘counseling room’, where a fake company psychiatrist will try and calm you down. If you like women, this will be a buxom lady and if you are into men it will be some buff guy. The psychiatrist will give you a hug and tell you what a fantastic job you’ve been doing, even in spite of having just beat the brakes off the office manager.
In the interests of fairness, there will be a version of the experience aimed at higher-ups. They can come and get in a fake fight with pretend subordinates, toss things around, and generally take out their frustrations in their own way.
The last stage of Madland features phony cops that escort you back to reception, where you receive a performance rating and check your position on the leaderboard. You will be wearing real handcuffs during this phase of the charade, and anyone who can escape them wins a thousand dollars. If you can wriggle out of the doors of the building without being stopped by our bogus policemen, you don’t have to pay for the Madland experience. You also get an extra 20% added to your points total.
The money from Madland will be placed in a high interest account, then invested in local businesses that receive a large volume of Glassdoor complaints from their employees. Once I have a controlling share in these firms, I will merge them into a single, enormous corporation that does everything. This behemoth will be called Madland, Inc., and it will paint the outside of every one of its premises bright pink. The logo will be a cowboy in a Stetson made of hundred dollar bills.
Madland, Inc. will function as a major manufacturing complex, investment firm and hub for renewable energies research. It will include a division called Fun Science, which will dedicate itself to isolating the molecular properties and physical essence of the illusive sensation of enjoying one’s time in an office. When a formula is composed, it will be applied to every aspect of the Madland, Inc. work experience in order that all people love it and want to go there. If that doesn’t pan out, I’ll just let everyone work from home.
The world’s finest talent will gather, making us rich. Ten years later, I’ll abruptly retire, handing the reins of CEO to whichever overlooked genius has been working as the janitor. Thus concludes my Madland Adventure.
Like I said at the start, I haven’t applied for anything yet. I’m sleeping eight hours a night, reading a lot, and walking in this wonderful weather. It really is a privilege to have time at home, and I feel like I should savour it. Because you can’t really avoid working, unfortunately. Not for long enough.
You can read the previous part of this blog here.
The part after this one is here.
I would love it if you’d check out my book Mugger, which is on Kindle. It tells the story of a street thief in debt to criminals, who must rob the home of a banker. Give it a chance. You won’t regret it!
In Jungian terms this is called projecting your shadow.
lol I would go.